I started this post about 20 times over the past month but kept deleting it and just leaving it in my drafts. I haven't felt like blogging much the past couple weeks and I also wasn't sure if I really even wanted to post about this. I am not sharing this really looking for advice, but just to document this stage of my life and how I've been feeling.
When I first came home from the hospital with Connor, I cried A LOT those first few weeks. I wasn't crying out of sadness....it was the complete opposite. I had never been so happy and in love in my entire life. But I cried over random things like, him going to high school one day, him driving a car, his first girlfriend, etc.... Seriously. I would be breastfeeding him and one of these thoughts would cross my mind and I would just sit there and cry.
After a few weeks, the tears stopped and life went on. I could think about him going to high school without crying like a baby. But, I continued to play the "what if" game in my head.....what if something happens to me and my husband has to raise him alone? What if he stops breathing in the middle of the night? What if someone holding him drops him? What if he has an unknown condition or something wrong with him? Some days these thoughts would consume my mind and that can be down right depressing. I know this is fairly normal and all part of being a parent but it's not fun thinking like that all the time.
This past week, a dear friend of mine, Alli, lost her 15 month old baby boy, Will. It was very unexpected and it has been really hard on all of our friends who knew them. I can't even wrap my head around the idea of something happening to Connor and I can't imagine the pain that our friends are feeling. I had just seen Alli at Target the day before her baby passed away....everything was fine, he was happy and at a Mother's Day Out program at my church. We made plans to get together this week. But, God had other plans....
Here is what Alli had to say about losing her sweet baby....
"We hit rock bottom in our darkest days with doubt, anger and guilt. But without that we would have never seen the beautiful grace we were given by God. He had every minute planned. We now believe Will was not taken from us but saved from pain and suffering. By the grace of God we got to spend 15 beautiful months with the perfect child. God knew that's all the time this baby had on this earth so he gave him to us, because he knew we would squeeze a lifetime of love into such a short time. And we did. He only knew love. And he gave love to every person he ever saw with a sweet smile and a wave. He only knew about the good of this world. He never had to see the ugly. He was truly made to love us and we truly were made to love him. So please-hold your kids a little tighter, spread more love, be kind to one another, and trust in God."
I am terrified of something happening to Connor. TERRIFIED.
The fears and worries that come along with being a parent are no joke.
But I know God is in control and has a plan. I just need to remind myself that sometimes.
I know my little boy is in His hands and I need to cast my worries on Him.
So, squeeze your kids a little tighter, like Alli said above. Be kind. Love more. Cherish each day with your loved one. And place your trust in Jesus.