Mama Fears

I started this post about 20 times over the past month but kept deleting it and just leaving it in my drafts.  I haven't felt like blogging much the past couple weeks and I also wasn't sure if I really even wanted to post about this.  I am not sharing this really looking for advice, but just to document this stage of my life and how I've been feeling.   When I first came home from the hospital with Connor, I cried A LOT those first few weeks.  I wasn't crying out of sadness....it was the complete opposite.  I had never been so happy and in love in my entire life. But I cried over random things like, him going to high school one day, him driving a car, his first girlfriend, etc.... Seriously.  I would be breastfeeding him and one of these thoughts would cross my mind and I would just sit there and cry.    After a few weeks, the tears stopped and life went on.  I could think about him going to high school without crying like a baby.  But, I continued to play the "what if" game in my head.....what if something happens to me and my husband has to raise him alone?  What if he stops breathing in the middle of the night?  What if someone holding him drops him?  What if he has an unknown condition or something wrong with him?   Some days these thoughts would consume my mind and that can be down right depressing.  I know this is fairly normal and all part of being a parent but it's not fun thinking like that all the time.    This past week, a dear friend of mine, Alli, lost her 15 month old baby boy, Will.  It was very unexpected and it has been really hard on all of our friends who knew them.  I can't even wrap my head around the idea of something happening to Connor and I can't imagine the pain that our friends are feeling.  I had just seen Alli at Target the day before her baby passed away....everything was fine, he was happy and at a Mother's Day Out program at my church.  We made plans to get together this week.  But, God had other plans....    Here is what Alli had to say about losing her sweet baby....   "We hit rock bottom in our darkest days with doubt, anger and guilt. But without that we would have never seen the beautiful grace we were given by God. He had every minute planned. We now believe Will was not taken from us but saved from pain and suffering. By the grace of God we got to spend 15 beautiful months with the perfect child. God knew that's all the time this baby had on this earth so he gave him to us, because he knew we would squeeze a lifetime of love into such a short time. And we did. He only knew love. And he gave love to every person he ever saw with a sweet smile and a wave. He only knew about the good of this world. He never had to see the ugly. He was truly made to love us and we truly were made to love him. So please-hold your kids a little tighter, spread more love, be kind to one another, and trust in God."  

  I am terrified of something happening to Connor.  TERRIFIED.   The fears and worries that come along with being a parent are no joke. But I know God is in control and has a plan.  I just need to remind myself that sometimes.  I know my little boy is in His hands and I need to cast my worries on Him.    So, squeeze your kids a little tighter, like Alli said above.  Be kind. Love more. Cherish each day with your loved one.  And place your trust in Jesus.       

Connor- 4 Months!

    Weight/Height- Not exactly sure, but we think a little over 16 lbs.  Our next appt. is Friday, 10/4 so we will find out then.  Still a chunky monkey though ;)  Love all of his rolls!        Sleep-  Not so great the past month.  Shortly after my 3 month post he started waking up 2-3 times a night and not napping very well.  I have always heard of the dreaded 4 month sleep regression and well, I think we are there (I hoped it wouldn't last this long though!).  Some days he doesn't nap but one time and some days he just takes a bunch of 15 minute naps throughout the day.  We moved his bath time up to 7:30,  then I feed him and he is usually sleeping by 8 or 8:30.  Then he usually wakes up around midnight and again around 5.  Some days though it's completely random times.   Feedings-   Still 100% breast milk! This past month he has started going 3 - 3.5 hours between feedings which has been so nice for me!  He only takes a bottle if I am not with him and my husband or mom is watching him.  He was refusing to take a bottle but we figured out the problem...we were trying to give it to him when he wasn't hungry.  Now, if we wait until 3ish hours he will drink it right up!  Thank goodness.  It was stressing me out that he wouldn't take it....  I planned on EBF until 6 months then start introducing solids but I feel like my milk supply has tanked in the evenings the past week so now a little part of me is considering a bottle of BM with a little organic rice cereal or oatmeal.  I am taking Fenugreek again and still eating 2-3 lactation cookies a day so hoping that will help my supply at night but if not, we may try the cereal/oatmeal and hope he starts sleeping better at night.  We'll see.... Clothing/Diapers-  Holy cow, he grows out of everything SO fast!  We are still in size 2 diapers, but in the next couple of weeks we will definitely need to switch to size 3.  He is wearing some 3-6 month clothes but 6 mo. fits better.  It doesn't really get too cold here and when it does it's just for a couple months but I just realized I don't have any cold weather clothes for Connor!  So, I need to do a little shopping for some things he can wear during the Winter.  Favorite Equipment-  Still loving the Baby Einstein Play Mat, Swing, Boppy Lounger and the latest, the Exersaucer!    Mommyhood-   The past month has been a little rough.  My husband is having to travel every week, so he has only been home on the weekends.  Between him being gone and Connor being overly fussy and not sleeping well, it has made for some long, tiring days for Mama.  BUT...I think this was his last week traveling for a little while.  We have tried to keep busy but sometimes it's just easier to stay home.  My hair has started to fall out.  Like, big clumps.  It's awful.  Around the time my hair started falling out, I started feeling some of the old feelings of anxiety come back (planning a whole post on that next week).  Along with some really sad news this past week....  So, I would say I have been a little more emotional the past few weeks.  But I can't complain too much...things are pretty good, Fall is just around the corner and we have some fun things coming up this next month! =)   Big Moments/Favorite Things:  -Connor is now sleeping in his crib at night! Whohoo! The first night we put him in there, I cried like a baby.  I don't know why it was so hard on me.  But, it is much better now.  Now if only he would sleep thru the night...... ;)   -He puts EVERYTHING in his mouth.  Loves to suck and chew on his hands, my hands and all of his toys.    -Started taking a paci finally and sucks his thumb every once in awhile.   -Got to meet his Uncle Paul, Aunt Cici and cousin Tanner for the first time!  My brother just got home from Afghanistan and it was their first time back in TX.   -Rolled over from stomach to back one time and comes close to rolling over when he is on his back.   -LOVES to kick his legs.  We might have a soccer player on our hands.  His little legs are always moving   -He started reaching for his toys or anything that is put close to his face.  I love seeing him concentrate on the object then reach his little hands for it.  He loves to put his hands on my face and play with my lips too!   -He discovered his feet this past week and now he wants to hold on to them all the time!  I think it's the cutest thing.   

   

One year ago....

One year ago today, I found out that I was for sure pregnant. We had just come home the night before from spending the weekend with friends in Las Vegas.  I went to Vegas not really knowing if I was pregnant.  Just for the heck of it I decided to take a couple pregnancy tests before our trip and one test said yes, the other 2 said no.    So, the day after we got back the first thing I did when I woke up was take a few more tests.  This time they are were all positive!! I called my doctor and they had me come in for blood work just to confirm.  And sure enough, we were having a baby!!!! I was only a few weeks pregnant at this point and would not go back in to see the doctor and have an ultrasound until 8 weeks.   

 

 

 

Connor's very first picture :) 

    It is crazy to think at this time last year Connor was less than half an inch long and now he is here with us in the world and going on 4 months old!   God is so good and we are so thankful He chose us to be this sweet boy's parents.  We are so, so blessed!

 

How we announced our pregnancy to family, friends and the world!

 

       

Labor Day Weekend Recap

Whew...what a fun and busy weekend we had!  My husband was out of town all last week so we were so excited to have him home for a long weekend.     Friday night he didn't get home until around 7 so we just ate dinner and went to sleep right after Connor did.  Hubby had a long, long week of working outside in the 100+ degree heat in north Louisiana and east Texas.  I made a Chicken Noodle Casserole recipe that I found on Pinterest.  It was good but nothing special.  

  Saturday we hung around the house and watch the Texas A&M vs Rice game, spent time with Chris's dad and wife, then we got to have a date night.  It was the last night of Houston Restaurant Weeks so we took advantage of it and had an awesome dinner at America's.  3 course's for $35 and $5 of every meal goes to the Houston Food Bank.  This happens the whole month of August every year and we always try to make sure we go out a couple times for a yummy meal and help support a good cause!  

 

    Sunday was filled with church, a hibachi lunch and spending the evening at Chris's aunt and uncle's lake house.  We joined the church I grew up in since I was in 5th grade so it was a very special Sunday morning.  =)   

 



 

We were so happy to not have any plans on Monday.  Connor slept almost the whole day, off and on.  I did laundry, cleaned up the house and went grocery shopping.  Hubby kayaked for awhile and fried catfish for us last night.  Perfect ending to a fun weekend.

 

Now he is off to East Texas again for the rest of the week.  So Connor and I are trying to get back into our normal week day routine! 

 

And I almost forgot....HAPPY SEPTEMBER!!!!!  I am hoping for some Fall like weather SOON around here (but I am not going to hold my breath... living in Houston means hot, hot weather until sometime in October probably.  This month my brother (who just came home from a long deployment), sister-n-law and nephew are coming in town so we are all really excited to see them!  Here's to another busy, but fun month!